Notes
LIGHTS UP
(It is a Sunday morning in ROSS’s apartment. LEAH is awake and making toast. She wears one of ROSS’s dress shirts, a nice, blue button down. ROSS enters, wearing only his boxers.)
ROSS
What smells good?
LEAH
It’s just toast.
ROSS
Oh good, I thought I was having a stroke.
LEAH
Ha! No, it’s just this is all I could find in your cupboards.
ROSS
Well, I am a bachelor, you know.
LEAH
Are you now?
ROSS
Well. I hink I am? I thought I was. Until last night.
(ROSS sneaks in and gives LEAH a kiss.)
LEAH
Are we moving too fast?
ROSS
What do you mean?
LEAH
Shacking up on only the third date? My mom would call me a trollop.
ROSS
Third date is far from trollop status.
LEAH
Really?
ROSS
Oh yeah. First date fucks are for total sluts; second date sleepovers are trollpps. You? You’re …
LEAH
Yeah?
ROSS
Just really horny and maybe a little crazy about me.
LEAH
Good answer.
(They have a little kiss again.)
LEAH
So, if this is getting a little serious, can I ask you a semi-serious question?
ROSS
Are we already thinking about wedding bells?
LEAH
Ah! No! I’m horny, not desperate! No. No, I just wanted to know if maybe … you could talk to your roommate?
ROSS
My roommate?
LEAH
Yeah.
ROSS
Why would I do that?
LEAH
Because they’re kind of an asshole.
ROSS
But –
LEAH
I’m sorry, I know that this is going to sound like I was snooping, but I found all these passive-aggressive notes that your roommate left for you and, I just want to tell this selfish jerk to grow up already.
ROSS
What notes did you find?
(LEAH goes to the trash can and pulls out a short stack of little sticky notes.)
LEAH
(Reading.) “Ross, pick up milk you shithead.”
“Ross, you dipshit, call the fucking cable company and cancel already.”
“Ross, I took two hundred dollars cash out of your secret hiding place. Oh, and you’re a fucking moron.”
ROSS
Okay, let me explain - -
LEAH
All signed by “M” – which could only stand for “Monster” because you do not deserve to be disrespected in this way.
ROSS
Leah –
LEAH
(Reading another note.) “Ross, here’s a joke I just thought of – What’s stupid and leaves dirty dishes in the sink for two days? You! You stupid freak.” Signed, “M”.
ROSS
Leah --
LEAH
(Crumpling the notes in her hand.) If this asshole ever shows his face around here, he’s going to get an ear-full from me.
ROSS
Leah, just stop and listen to me. I don’t have a roommate.
LEAH
What?
ROSS
“M” stands for “Me”. I wrote these notes. I wrote them all to myself.
LEAH
Ross? You wrote these?
ROSS
Yeah. They are just little reminders.
LEAH
Reminders? To remind you of what, that you have a self-esteem issue? Ross, is this what goes on in your mind?
ROSS
Why is this a big deal?
LEAH
It just worries me that if you talk this way to yourself now, maybe one day you’ll think about hurting yourself too.
ROSS
I can understand that, and I know this looks bad but, it’s really just my strange sense of humor; it’s how I keep myself humble, you know?
LEAH
You keep yourself humble by putting yourself down and calling yourself awful names?
ROSS
When you put it that way, yeah, it sounds weird.
LEAH
Because it is weird, Ross.
(ROSS gets up and goes to the bedroom.)
LEAH
Ross? Where are you going? Okay, I’m sorry I said it was weird, but I’m just concerned. Ross?
(ROSS comes back with more sticky notes in his hand. He gives them to LEAH, who starts reading them.)
LEAH
“Ross, oh boy, another first date. I hope you’re ready to totally blow it, loser. Try not to think about how much this one will hurt since you actually have feelings this girl.” (beat.) Is that about me?
ROSS
They all are, Leah.
LEAH
“Ross, how did a loser like you get a second date with a girl like that Out of your league? More like out of your solar system.”
“Ross, a third date? Let me guess, you’re going to wear that crappy blue button-down shirt again, aren’t you? It makes your torso look squibby, you flat-headed beanbag. PS, don’t bother buying condoms.”
ROSS
See? Aren’t you glad you brought some last night?
LEAH
What the hell does it mean to look “squibby”?
ROSS
I was trying to avoid cliches, so I made up a new word.
LEAH
Ross, this is really concerning behavior.
ROSS
I thought you might say that.
(He hands her another note.)
LEAH
“Ross, if she finds the notes and leaves you, it’s exactly what you deserve, knuckle-duck.”
ROSS
I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you, Leah. But I understand if you never want to see me again.
(LEAH stares at ROSS for a moment. She then finds a stack of unused sticky notes on the counter and a pencil nearby. She scribbles and sticks the note to the refrigerator. Then she scribbles again and sticks a note to the sink. Again, sticking another note to a cupboard door. ROSS reads the first note.)
ROSS
“Ross, you’re a kind man with a good heart who deserves love. -L”
(He reads the second note as LEAH adds a fourth to a wall.)
ROSS
“Ross, you’re a kind man with a good heart who deserves love. -L”
(ROSS grabs the third note from the cupboard as LEAH exits the kitchen.)
ROSS
“Ross, I mean it. You deserve love, especially self-love. -L”
(ROSS takes the fourth note off the wall.)
ROSS
“We’re going to have sex now. And then later, you should really clean behind your sink in the bathroom.”
LIGHTS
so relatable for anyone, like me, with an anxiety disorder. i hope you have your cast perform it next season. it's a keeper and a feeler, dk 🫶🏽