LIGHTS UP.
(AUGUSTUS GLOOP, a young man aged twenty-five years from Düsseldorf, Germany, enters. He is wearing “active” lederhosen. AUGUSTUS, in peak physical condition, looks like a bodybuilder. As he flexes his right bicep, his left hand holds up a picture of an obese child whose face is covered with chocolate.)
AUGUSTUS GLOOP:
Believe it or not, this was me. Growing up the son of a sausage maker, with a mother who loved to spoil me, left me with some pretty awful eating habits. But a traumatic experience at a chocolate factory run by a psychopath was the wake up call I needed to turn my life around. And look at me now, slimmer, stronger, and more flexible!
(AUGUSTUS does a back flip.)
And you can be too by ordering the all-new “August Gloop Video Workout Series”.
(AUGUSTUS begins the “Rope Wave” with linked sausage.)
In this sixteen-hour exercise series you’ll get stretching routines and fat-burning health tips guaranteed to help you squeeze into a smaller size uptake pipe.
(AUGUSTUS, now on his back with his knees up, holds a large cheese wheel at his midsection as he does sit-ups, twisting to the right and left at the top of each rep.)
My workouts focus on core muscle groups, so whether you’re wanting to get back to your beach body or trying to bulk up so you can swim through a river of chocolate, my videos will have the exercise right for you.
(AUGUSTUS starts doing some shadow boxing.)
Act now and get my bonus set of self-defense videos, because you never know when you’re going to be attacked by a gang of green-haired, orange-skinned little people. Uh oh! Here they come now!
(Three OOMPA LOOMPAS enter. They wear outfits reminiscent of Richard Simmons’s workout clothes. They sing as they jazzercize.)
OOMPA LOOMPAS:
Oompa Loompa Doo-pa-dee doo,
We’ve got a perfect work-out for you!
Oompa Loompa Doo-pa-dah dee,
Order on Blu-ray or DVD.
OOMPA ONE:
What do you get with no membership fees?
OOMPA TWO:
Work-out at home whenever you please!
(AUGUSTUS joins them.)
AUGUSTUS:
When I was young, I was terribly fat,
Now I am lean as an a-cro-bat!
OOMPA THREE:
And he looks good naked!
(They all stop at look at OOMPA THREE for a beat. OOMPA THREE shrugs and AUGUSTUS blushes.)
(They continue together.)
OOMPAS and AUGUSTUS:
Oompa Loompa Doo-pa-dum-dee,
With thirty-day’s money-back guarantee
You will live in happiness too,
Like the Oompa Loompa doo-pa-dee doo!
AUGUSTUS:
Call now and order the Augustus Gloop Video Workout Series - doo-pa-dee do it today!
LIGHTS
Violet and Veruca leaning in the doorway: “Augustus! Save some room for later!”
Augustus: *wink*